I am currently sitting in a restaurant in the Minneapolis airport, serving the first of my lay overs. I can't believe the summer is over already. It felt surreal coming back to America after a year in Budapest and now it feels surreal returning. Did I really live in another country? Did I actually live a life so completely different from the life that I have in Texas?
The last couple of days have been very difficult for me for a number of reasons.
1) I hate flying - Though it's never been my favorite thing, I could tolerate it. I might even look forward to the hours of solitude and quiet that I got to read or write or sleep. Now, thanks to a couple of horrendous flying experiences, I am a big wad of nerves and anxiety. If I could just be in Budapest without all of the flying, I would be much happier. But, the crippling anxiety that I can't control or logically think my way out of leads me to the only source of true peace, Jesus. I've spent many a sleepless night praying, remembering verses where God tells me not to fear and that He is my protection and fortress. He reminds me that He is sovereign. He holds the whole world in His hands. I have zero control over what happens or doesn't happen on my flight, but He does. And He loves me. And I have to trust that no matter what, He has my best interest at heart.
2) I hate saying goodbye. I was thankful this year that God granted me the ability to enjoy each moment with the people I loved rather than dwelling on the fact that I was leaving in a matter of weeks. But last night and then this morning, I was a mess of emotions. I hate the pain that I'm in...there's no way around that. Leaving the people and the home and the church that I love is not an easy thing. But I've realized, after 2 summers of goodbyes and 1 year of loneliness, that I deeply value relationships. The things that were hard about moving to Hungary weren't the different culture or the lack of sunshine in the winter, it was the lack of deep relationships. And the thing that God provided that helped me to begin enjoying myself in Hungary was deep, meaningful relationships with Himself and others.
As I reflected on the end of the school year with my class and how painful it was for me to say goodbye to them, I remember thinking, "It's a good thing that it hurts so much. It means that it was something good...something worth being sad that it's over." That's true in this case as well. It hurts something fierce saying goodbye to my parents and my friends. Many tears have been shed and in all likelihood, more will be shed too. But it's good. It means that the relationships I'm leaving meant something. It means that these people are an irreplaceable part of me so that leaving hurts. It hurts in the moment but if it didn't hurt, the relationships likely wouldn't be worth having or investing in.
That being said, I have some wonderful relationships in Budapest that would hurt just as much if I left them.
I am sad to go, but I am thrilled to return. It is as if my heart is permanently ripped in two. I get a big smile on my face when I think about the person picking me up and the people helping me move. I can't wait to get into my classroom and set it up for my new class. I can't wait for the first time I get to see my class from last year. I even...get this, this is how you know I am genuinely excited...I even got a little excited reading our itinerary for in-service.
As I've struggled this summer (and last year), torn between loving being in Hungary and longing for home, I realized (and continue to realize) that Jesus tells us to pick up our cross daily for a reason. Some days are easier than others. Some days surrendering my Texas life feels simple. I am happy in Hungary with my Hungary friends and my Hungary job and doing the work that God called me to - sure I miss my friends and family, but I'm happy. Other days all I want to do is jump on a plane and head home and hug every single person that I love. But Christ called me to this, and I have to die to myself and my wants and desires and joyfully surrender to Him and His will for me. (Easier said than done, am I right?) It's easy to focus on what I've "lost" or "given up" and lose sight of what I gain. I gain Christ. I gain a deeper relationship with Him that is more important than anything else. Sometimes it hurts, but that's often when I feel His tender presence most acutely.
The last couple of days have been very difficult for me for a number of reasons.
1) I hate flying - Though it's never been my favorite thing, I could tolerate it. I might even look forward to the hours of solitude and quiet that I got to read or write or sleep. Now, thanks to a couple of horrendous flying experiences, I am a big wad of nerves and anxiety. If I could just be in Budapest without all of the flying, I would be much happier. But, the crippling anxiety that I can't control or logically think my way out of leads me to the only source of true peace, Jesus. I've spent many a sleepless night praying, remembering verses where God tells me not to fear and that He is my protection and fortress. He reminds me that He is sovereign. He holds the whole world in His hands. I have zero control over what happens or doesn't happen on my flight, but He does. And He loves me. And I have to trust that no matter what, He has my best interest at heart.
2) I hate saying goodbye. I was thankful this year that God granted me the ability to enjoy each moment with the people I loved rather than dwelling on the fact that I was leaving in a matter of weeks. But last night and then this morning, I was a mess of emotions. I hate the pain that I'm in...there's no way around that. Leaving the people and the home and the church that I love is not an easy thing. But I've realized, after 2 summers of goodbyes and 1 year of loneliness, that I deeply value relationships. The things that were hard about moving to Hungary weren't the different culture or the lack of sunshine in the winter, it was the lack of deep relationships. And the thing that God provided that helped me to begin enjoying myself in Hungary was deep, meaningful relationships with Himself and others.
As I reflected on the end of the school year with my class and how painful it was for me to say goodbye to them, I remember thinking, "It's a good thing that it hurts so much. It means that it was something good...something worth being sad that it's over." That's true in this case as well. It hurts something fierce saying goodbye to my parents and my friends. Many tears have been shed and in all likelihood, more will be shed too. But it's good. It means that the relationships I'm leaving meant something. It means that these people are an irreplaceable part of me so that leaving hurts. It hurts in the moment but if it didn't hurt, the relationships likely wouldn't be worth having or investing in.
That being said, I have some wonderful relationships in Budapest that would hurt just as much if I left them.
I am sad to go, but I am thrilled to return. It is as if my heart is permanently ripped in two. I get a big smile on my face when I think about the person picking me up and the people helping me move. I can't wait to get into my classroom and set it up for my new class. I can't wait for the first time I get to see my class from last year. I even...get this, this is how you know I am genuinely excited...I even got a little excited reading our itinerary for in-service.
As I've struggled this summer (and last year), torn between loving being in Hungary and longing for home, I realized (and continue to realize) that Jesus tells us to pick up our cross daily for a reason. Some days are easier than others. Some days surrendering my Texas life feels simple. I am happy in Hungary with my Hungary friends and my Hungary job and doing the work that God called me to - sure I miss my friends and family, but I'm happy. Other days all I want to do is jump on a plane and head home and hug every single person that I love. But Christ called me to this, and I have to die to myself and my wants and desires and joyfully surrender to Him and His will for me. (Easier said than done, am I right?) It's easy to focus on what I've "lost" or "given up" and lose sight of what I gain. I gain Christ. I gain a deeper relationship with Him that is more important than anything else. Sometimes it hurts, but that's often when I feel His tender presence most acutely.
Ah, how curious our emotions. I think I understand. Thank-you for sharing some of your precious time here with us. It is extrememly encouraging to know the rest of my family can love on you and you on them in Budapest. May your cup overflow sweet sister. Praying for gentle winds and smooth landings.
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